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Worth Keeping

As a District Manager, its my job to make the hard decisions of disciplinary action. And, over the last 2 months, I've had to let someone go, do a few write ups, and choose when to do what. Of course, my decisions are impacted and directed by my supervisor and the owner of the company, but when it comes down to it, I'm the one who has to do the dirty work. They tell me what to do, and I execute.

Something I have quickly learned is the huge difference between an employee you want to keep and one that you don't. Let me explain:

An employee that has not been productive, is late, has drama follow them around, and is more trouble than they are worth, is very likely to be the one that you terminate when they make a mistake that's on the line between maybe and absolutely. I had one such employee recently that made a decision that could have been handled with a write up, or could've been a cause for termination. And, when it came to it, she was fired. Why? She hadn't made herself valuable enough to the company to let her slide by on a write up. When it gets to that point, business owners are waiting for a good reason to get rid of someone.

An employee that is productive, is timely, is consistent, dependable, pleasant and responsible becomes someone you want to keep. And when they make a fatal mistake that could go either way, you opt to keep them. And, even though termination has been threatened for such a mistake, you let them go on a write up. It has nothing to do with which employee you life better or who you have a better personal connection with. It all comes down to who is more valuable to you.

When you pursue your calling, you will be one of these two employees. Now, God won't fire you from your calling, but depending on how reliable and consistent you are, He will give you more or less responsibilities. For me, its simplest to explain this in the role of a prophet. In church, God taps you on the shoulder and says "go, tell the pastor that I say that I have a whole field of goats for him." And you think 'ok that's crazy, but its worth a shot' and you do it. The pastor is overwhelmed because that meant something to him, and you did your job well. So God adds to your responsibility and gives you a word for the woman at the supermarket. He says 'tell that woman that her son is way better than George Clooney.' You decide not to say anything, because its out of context and insane. But here's the thing - that lady needed to hear it! So, He sends someone else on assignment, some other time, to say something that means the same thing to her.

You see, its not you that makes the difference, its God using you as an instrument. In fact, if you are ever praying with a group of prophets, you will (many times) have 2 or 3 of them start in to say the same thing at the same time. There have been times I've been at a prayer meeting and I wait to say something and then I hear another prophet say EXACTLY what I was about to say.

God will accomplish His works regardless of if you are on board or not. So, it comes down to this: Do you want the job? If you want the job, then do what He tells you to, as soon as He tells you to do it. If you do, He will give you more responsibility and use you more frequently because you have made yourself valuable to Him as a prophet (or pastor or teacher or whatever). If you choose not to, He will always have that door open for you, but He won't use you nearly as frequently because He wants to get the job done. You make your talents as a prophet (pastor, teacher, etc) replaceable. Now, don't get me wrong, you can do what He tells you to do better than anyone else can. There's a reason He told you to do it first. But, if you don't listen, He will get someone else to do it.

While I'm Waiting

Sometimes, I feel like I'm barely able to tread water anymore. I feel like its all I can do to gasp for air between falling back beneath the surface, doing all I can do to stay alive. Its like I can't catch a break, I can't get enough strength mustered up to swim to safety, but I haven't quite given up and decided to die.

Life is entirely this way for me, more times than not. And I am confident that everyone has felt this way at one point or another. Those times that you sit back from circumstances and say "Really, Lord? Are you done yet?" And maybe that's selfish and childish but let's face it, we've all been there.

Maturity is when you come to those points and decide to grit your teeth and walk through it anyway. It is a character defining moment when you step back and look at how badly life stinks and choose to deal with it anyway. If you're like me, I don't always want to be mature. I don't want to muster up the strength to swim back up to the surface and gasp another breath and continue fighting. I'd rather just let go and give up, curl up and feel sorry for myself. There are points that I get angry with God and tell Him to take a hike and to let me be - that I've had enough of His plan and I'll just do things my own way. And then, a few days later, I come back, humbled, and admit I really do need His help to make it through.

The thing is that God doesn't expect us to handle our life without occasionally feeling down and out. He realizes what we're going through, He understands because He's been there personally and has experienced it. And while that may not make you feel any better, it is true. And for me? Its a big deal to know that its okay for me to be mad and frustrated with the process. The process of getting to wherever it is that you're going is guaranteed to be the most difficult process that you will ever face. And if you're pursuing your true calling, its absolutely going to be as tough as it gets.

Take it as encouragement, take it as a wake-up call, whatever you want to call it - its all just truth. If you're having a tough time, then you're heading the right way. Whats the hardest part of heading the right way? Going anyways, knowing you're going to keep getting beat down. That's maturity, and that's following God. He didn't say to pick up your picnic basket and follow Him. A cross is a heavy thing, that's painful to carry, and is downright impossible feeling at times. No one promised this would be skipping through the flower fields, but somehow we've all got it in our heads that things shouldn't be so hard. We're fighting a whole myriad of things - evil forces, ourselves, other people, bloodlines, etc etc etc, and those are all going to just make it harder.

I guess what I'm saying is that God knows its hard, but He picked the right person for the job and you absolutely have the ability and potential to fulfill your calling, no matter how hard it is while you're waiting to finish line.

In the Process

This week has been interesting and the entire week I feel has been a lesson in faith, so I want to share about it.

Beginning last week, we took our family vacation to Charleston to see my family. We left Tuesday afternoon and spent a wonderful week with my parents and siblings. It was great. On the way home, trouble started.

Sunday evening we were on our way home and our van broke down in Atlanta. I was driving, and it turned off. That simple. No ifs ands or buts, it was done. (We found out later it was a master fuse that was worn out from all the fuel pump issues we'd had and finally blew). There we sat, on the curb of a highway just off of interstate 75 northbound, trying to figure out what to do. We knew we didn't have $200+ to get a taxi or a tow all the way home. Alina was freaking out. Somehow in the midst of it all, God convinced me to make it a teaching moment and tell Alina that God was taking care of us, and we would be okay. She looked up at me with innocent little eyes and asked if I was sure. I said yes.

At that moment, I threw up a prayer that God wouldn't make me a liar. Silly as it seems, I was totally at a loss for what we were to do. Then a pizza delivery man came over and offered to take us to a hotel. I called in to work for Monday since we were stuck in Atlanta, and we took the ride. My mom provided the hotel room payment and we settled in for the night. As we were tucking in to bed, Alina looked at me and smiled "I knew God would take care of us." God had provided.

Monday morning, we called our usual mechanic (still at a loss for how we were getting home, how we were getting the car home, how we were doing anything) and asked if they knew what we needed to do to fix it. Instead of telling Brent what to look at or how to fix it, they borrowed a 8 seated SUV and came and got us, and towed the van back to Cohutta where they had it fixed by that evening. God provided.

Tuesday morning I went to work where I had a very unpleasant experience and spent 45 minutes being yelled at for something I had nothing to do with. It was in that moment that I realized it was time to find a new job. I held my tongue, asked for the day off to consider things, and called my previous employer (Sprint). Wednesday morning I was fired for the same reasons that they fabricated the previous day. I went home a total mess, emotional to the max, hoping against all desperation that God would provide. He did.

And today, Sunday, I was sitting on my bed talking to my husband about starting work. Since my previous employer hadn't paid the check I was due, we were trying to figure out how to afford the gas to work the job I am starting Monday. And its funny to me that I was stressed about it - because fact of the matter is that God has provided significantly and supernaturally all week, and the next week would be no exception.

Its not the fact that we understand that God will provide that makes us, its the faith in the process that defines character.

Worry

This week, the democrats and republicans have been debating a bunch of stuff about the country debt, etc etc. I haven't been too worried about it or too involved, but my boss has. He is purposefully not purchasing things, waiting on lots of things, and holding his breath to see if the world falls apart on August 2nd. About a week ago, he mentioned to me his concerns and I told him I wasn't worried about it. He thought I may be crazy, and after a conversation about how I believed we would be fine, he decided I was, indeed, crazy. But while he considers transferring his money into Euro, I have faith that we will be okay.

Last night, Brent and I walked across the street to see his family. His mother had said they needed to tell us something about Becca. Instantly, worry sets in - Rebecca is Brent's 18 year old sister who has spina bifida and had total kidney failure a bit over a year ago. If they wanted to talk about Becca, it could be serious. As we were walking up the driveway, I asked if he was concerned. Brent said there was no use in getting all upset about what could be happening, or what I imagine they may tell us. It could be good news - she could be getting a kidney. You never know. Then he told me that he doesn't freak about things like I do.

Its funny to me that in some situations its so easy to remain calm and not worried about it - especially because I have no control over it. Something like the national debt is beyond me - even if I donated every penny of my paycheck and didn't feed my children or pay my bills for a year, it wouldn't even take a shot at the problem that exists. But other things, like Rebecca's health that I have equally little control over gets me upset and stressed. Both things have potential to impact me equally in different ways - but one got me worried and the other didn't.

I guess this is why Jesus says not to worry about anything. He doesn't say "don't worry about money" or "don't worry about your health" -- he said don't worry about anything. This is a tough thing to do but it puts things into perspective. Just when I thought I was doing well on the worry things, something close to me pops up and I'm flat on my back. We need to learn to trust Jesus with everything and consider everything in our prayers and supplications, not just the things that bother us. And we need to learn compassion for others in their prayers, to consider things with them and not just brush off their concerns because its not something that worries you.

Discouraged

Sometimes your best isn't good enough. Sometimes you give everything you can, put all your effort and energy into something, and its just not good enough.

For example, I feel this way at my job frequently. I put forth all I can and I am still required to come early, stay late, and work extra because there is more to be done.

Sometimes expectations are just too high. Sometimes your expectations of yourself are too low.

We got a new puppy this week - a boxer/rottweiler mix who's about 6 weeks old. And this puppy knows nothing of me or my personality or how I'm going to treat him but he loves me anyway. He isn't disapointed with my inability to pay for the top dog food brand, he is fine with ol roy, the cheapo Walmart brand. And he doesn't mind that he doesn't have a fancy kennel yet because I know he's going to get big fast - he is okay with his little cardboard box. He is content to sit in my lap and be petted and loved on.

Sometimes I wish I could just curl up and be patted like he does. But being a human, especially and adult, is much harder than being a puppy.

I guess what I'm getting at is that God loves us regardless of what we do or what we can afford. It doesn't matter what we do, it doesn't matter if our best doesn't get the job done - none of that matters to Him. What matters is we try and we love Him.

I wish sometimes people were more like my puppy, and more like God. Its so hard to find unconditional love. Its one of those things that humans simply do not understand. Loving someone regardless of how stupid they are, how many times they screw up, or how they don't live up to your expectations --- that's how God loves you.

Measure of Success

So we poured all our blood sweat and tears into our first show and had not nearly as many people as we'd hoped show up. And its pretty easy to get discouraged after something like that. Brent and I stopped and talked about it some, and its something you have to choose to do or not do -- choose to eat from the tree of life or from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

When we try to measure things and their success by our own knowledge and our own ability to see and comprehend, we just screw things up. Sure, it may not look like we made any progress, we certainly didn't make any money, but is that what God was trying to achieve? Or was He doing something bigger and greater than my finances?

A few details about the show:
1) Before our first performance, the cast stood in the alley and prayed together. As a cast, our beliefs varied a bit, but when Brent and I asked if anyone wanted to come pray with us, everyone came (except Abigail who was manning the front doors).
2) Although not many people physically came to the show, there was alot of support from the community, and alot of contacts were made. People who want to help on the next show, and in anything we do in the future. Writers, crew, directors - people we need to have a successful company.
3) Collectively, as a cast, we agreed that the show had alot standing against it in spiritual realms. We had attack after attack -- having to re-cast 2 major roles 4 weeks from curtain, having difficulty learning lines, stress, sickness, exhaustion, extra work at our jobs, the sudden death of a close friend, etc etc etc. It was terribly discouraging to sit backstage and see only a handful of folks in the audience. But we got out there and gave a fantastic show anyway.

Looking at it all like this helps me understand that God MUST be doing something greater here than we can see. There's no way that Satan would go through all that nonsense if God wasn't planning something big. So this weekend may not have been a success monetarily, but we know that there was a great spiritual breaking in the process of the weekend. And there's no way God would've given us all the help He did if He wasn't fighting for it too.

Eating from the Tree of Life is acknowledging God is doing something bigger than you. It's hard to look at it this way, for sure, but if you can adjust your mindset just a bit, great things are happening under the surface.